Church, Feminism and Sex

When it comes to topics church related, I try to be sensitive and respectful.  I after all, am a follower of Christ and I do believe that somethings should be handled with reverence.  However, I am also naturally sarcastic and even my most serious tone seems to offend. So let this serve as a disclaimer and let the ranting begin!

I recently read a blog entitled “The Need for Christian Families to Address the Issue of Modesty” and while I appreciated the heart behind it kind of see where the author was coming from, I was mostly bothered by the message.  I first came across the blog last week and instead of poppin off at the mouth and immediately voicing my opinion as I usually do, I stepped back to see if my opinion on the subject would change.  It didn’t. At all. The more I thought about it, the more I was offended by it.


I mean in the blog, it was stated that parents should encourage their daughters to dress modestly so that young men would not be tempted…  -_-    Seriously? Are we going to use the same argument people use to blame rape on women.  You know the “if she wasn’t dressed provocatively the man could have repressed his animalistic urges and not raped her” argument. If it sounds ridiculous, it is because it is!

Obviously that was enough to get me to heated but I continued reading so that I could be as objective as possible.  And to be fair to the author, he did acknowledge that he is not trying  “to justify the way men think” but for me the damage was already done. Too often in church and as Christians, when it comes to issues of sex between men and women, the burden of purity always falls on women.

beyonce feminist 2

Sometimes it seems as being Christian and being a feminist (well let’s say a feminist in the same fashion as Beyoncé is a feminist) is in itself a conflict of interest.  Growing up in an old school Baptist church I’ve come across sexist ideologies.  For example, we learn about Adam and Eve and the origins of sin. Many times, I’ve heard ministers blame Eve for the fall of man.  Although scripture clearly indicates that Adam made a conscious decision to deliberately disobey God, independent of Eve, people still choose to blame Eve…but who am I? What would have happened if Adam decided that he wasn’t going to give into peer pressure and refused to eat the apple?I’m positive it would be slightly different outcome for Adam.  Sure, Eve should be held accountable for her disobedience but she should NOT be held accountable for Adam’s err as well. However the burden of this sin involving a man and a women fell onto the women’s shoulders.


This school of thought has perpetuated some problematic practices in church culture. There was a time when a girl who was pregnant outside of marriage, was required to stand before the congregation to apologize for her waywardness. Again, the burden of the sin fell on the woman.

easy a

Sex shaming…sin shaming..shaming…all sounds anti Jesus to me.  *in my old black southern pastor voice* If you will turn in your Bible’s with me to the gospel of Saint John chapter 8, starting at verse number 2, it reads:

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

Men have always been quick to place the burden of sin on the woman.  This passage of scripture is a prime example where was the man she was accused of having sex with? Why didn’t he get called out?   Thank God for Jesus or this scenario would have been completely different.

We live in a society that promotes sex and lots of it.  We live in an age that people are getting married later and later.  We go to churches and practice a religion that encourages people to remain chaise until marriage.  We emphasize to young girls that they should remain virgins but excuse men because well…men will be men.  We excuse men because “the way men think” is different.  Yet, when a woman embraces sexuality she is a “whore”. A whore? Really?

There are churches that require their female members to wear long skirts and long sleeves as not to tempt men into lust or adultery.  Imagine going to church with a full suit on and panty hose on in the middle of summer…and some churches don’t have air conditioning. So you want me fully dressed for a trip to Antarctica in the middle of the summer just so a man won’t be tempted?  Oh puhlease! My mother states it best “if seeing your shoulders will cause him to fall, he was already going to hell anyway”.

Modesty does not equate sexual purity.  A girl rocking a full-out Amish wardrobe is just as capable of lifting her skirt and partaking in the act as her scantily clad counterpart. There are other issues that need to be addressed. Yes, addressed and not swept under the rug.  If we are going to encourage people not to have sex before marriage as a way to honor God let’s make it just that, honoring God.  Let’s not shame women into dressing like nuns so that men won’t be tempted. Let’s not have a double standard.  Let our boys be held accountable by the same measures.

easy a 2

I agree, young women should carry themselves and dress in a certain way out of self-respect. However, I don’t think showing shoulders, back or mid drift is in bad taste. However, if we are going to teach our daughters to dress modest, let’s also teach our sons to do the same.

Young men, I have to believe that wearing baggy pants is a way for you to show off your assets. You are trying to tempt young women.  Also, your tight skinny jeans…I know you are trying to show off your package and that is not of God.  Men, I am fully aware that you walk around topless full-out Putin style trying to make me hot and bothered.  *clutching my pearls* Your invisible washboard abs may cause me to sin, so please for the eternal sake of your sister in Christ, put a shirt on!

Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!
Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!

I’ve only scratched the surface. There are many more issues that stem from this topic alone. One of the biggest things is that the Church must change how we think about sex and sexuality. Here is one last read on the topic.  Oh yeah, I am fully aware that my use of Easy A, Beyoncé, Lena Dunham and sarcasm may not be the best way to address the issue…but let’s all agree it’s probably the most fun way to express my thoughts.

Plus Size Swexy

Swexy= Swag + Sexy

#ToastTip Sometimes we are so overly critical of a situation we forget to appreciate the beauty of what’s right in front of us.

Elle Cover

Actress Melissa McCarthy recently covered Elle Magazine’s annual …Women in Hollywood“ Spread.  The first thing I said when I saw the cover was …WOW! She looks amazing!“ For the record, I’m pretty sure most people said the same thing however there were a few critical folk who made a stink about the fact that Melissa did not show enough skin. They feel that the curvy diva should have shown more skin and flaunt her curves.

I am all about women dressing for their bodies and not being ashamed to flaunt what God gave them. I think there needs to be a lot less fat shaming and more self love. I also think there is nothing wrong with being classy and keeping things covered at times.  In this photo of Melissa rocking this charcoal Marina Rinaldi coat is absolutely classy, feminine and smoldering hot!  This woman looks like a glamazon!  I realize that I may be overreacting because I’ve never seen her dressed this way.  I instantly think …Bridesmaids“.

So no, plus size women should not be confined to muumuus and large flower print smocks.  And yes plus size women should not be afraid to dress sexy and feminine (check out my fave fashion blogger, Gabi Fresh).  But when the time calls for it, less can be more.  So stop hating on what’s not and let’s celebrate what is.  Not to mention Elle put a plus size woman on their cover…that is rare in fashion, so I salute!

Let’s Go Nude!

#ToastTip: Don’t give a brown girl a beige pair of shoes and tell her that they are nude color.  We are brown and our nude is brown so give us a brown pair of shoes.

I had this very thought this week as I was shopping around for a pair of pumps to replace my “nude” (read beige) pumps.  I was wondering if instead should I just opt for a pair of chocolate brown patent leather pumps instead.  Apparently my friend Christian had the same idea and came up with a dope (long overdue) concept of having a nude line tailored to women of every color.  I love it!  But I don’t love it enough to break the bank and get my first pair of Red Bottoms. Nope…instead I will continue to wait for the Steve Madden look a like pair to surface on DSW. Champagne Dreams on a malt liquor budget.

Single and not so Satisfied

#ToastTip If your family always ask you if you have a boyfriend and your answer is always no, start lying before your mother post your phone number in the church bulletin and local paper.   

The topic of relationships is one I try to avoid [please see my previous post].  Most of the times I think relationships are beautiful other times I think its the world’s way of bringing constant shame to the fact that I am 30 and single.  I kind of feel like every time a wedding bell rings, I lose a piece of my soul.  Anniversaries cause me to break out it sweats and engagement announcements give me migraines. It’s a serious condition that I have but I’m dealing with it.

Meanwhile, knowing all these facts about my condition; those closest to me insist that the right man is out there for me and they are on a search.  I am also ashamed to admit that my parents have also joined this mission.  It’s looking more and more likely that my wedding will be an arranged one.  Learn from me, if you are single and learning to be satisfied, then avoid showing any dissatisfaction to your parents, cousins, siblings and best friends or else you will become their personal project.

Tagged with: 30andsingle, matchmaker, Living Single

Puff, puff, stop!

#ToastTip  Smoking, like drunk driving, is stupid.

we found love

I honestly don’t want to sound like I’m trying to rag on people who smoke.  I understand that smoking not only releases stress but is also a very addicting bad habit.  I get that like any other drug, alcohol or sugary food addiction it is a hard habit to break.  So I kinda empathize but…

Yesterday, I had the misfortune of someone sitting beside me on the bus who smelled like an entire carton of cigarettes.  It was so bad that my nose started burning, eyes watering and I started coughing.  I wasn’t experiencing 2nd hand smoke, I was experiencing 3rd hand smoke.  What? Third hand smoke? Is that a thing?  Yes it is! It is when smoke residue clings to hair, clothes and walls and another party is effected by it. It’s cancer causing and studies suggest it can deform your DNA so its kinda of a big deal.

After having this experience on the bus, I’ve come to realize that for me smokers are on the same list as drunk drivers.  Both are pretty irresponsible.  Like drinking by itself to some degree is okay but DRIVING while intoxicated is not only STUPID its SELFISH!   The moment you decide to drive your car while under the influence you have put everyone on that road in danger.  Smoking is the same thing.

Even the most considerate smoker is putting others at risk.  If you smoke only in your own back yard away from everyone.  The toxins from your smoke linger. So when you pick up someone else’s child, the smoke is effecting them and exposing them to your bad habits.  Like I said I get the pathology behind smoking.  I also know that people who smoke feel like they are under attack but with all due respect I ALSO FEEL LIKE I AM UNDER ATTACK WHEN YOUR SMOKE TOXINS ATTACK MY NASAL PASSAGES AND LUNGS!!!!

I get it, you don’t give too much of a damn about your health so why should your give a damn about mine?  But if you want me to understand your habit can’t you understand why I’m so offended by it?  #ThatIsAll

puff puff stop