Spoiler Alert: You Suck!

Dear East Coast Friends:

Please let this serve as a friendly reminder that the country does not function on your same time zone.  When things happen at 8pm Eastern Standard Time, some of us are on Pacific Standard Time, meaning we are just now leaving our jobs.  And although I am sure you don’t think of this time difference on a daily basis, I would like to suggest that you start considering it.

I can deal with the fact that once you get off of work and settled into your homes, you give me a call even though I am still at work.  That’s fine. It’s understandable.  I can even deal with the fact when we plan group vacays (that more than likely will take place on the east coast because that’s where a majority of my folks live) I am the one who will have to miss an extra day of work because I have to leave early to catch up everyone else.  But the one thing that I cannot deal with is the selfishness and inconsiderate-ness (just made that up) that takes place on my time line when popular television events are going on.

christina stop

Yes, I’m talking SPOILER ALERTS!  You all are a bit ridiculous when it comes to spoiling television for folks!  Again, you live hours ahead of everyone else! Most of the country does not get to see shows in the same hour that you get to see them! Why do you insist on giving away details before the rest of the world can have the opportunity to even watch?

what is your problem

Why would anyone take to social media and share such things? I’d rather read about other over shared things such as what you ate for dinner or your child labor experiences than to read these spoilers.  Imagine my disgust when I finally get home at 7:00pm, grab some dinner, kick back in my recliner and log on to Facebook and my timeline is overrun with details from the first few minutes of my favorite television shows.  It is in these moments where I really hate my east coast friends.

Yes, I understand the excitement of the shared television watching experience with your friends. It’s a thrill to talk about it but can’t you do the same thing on google hangout? That’s too much? Well if you must be selfish, do me a favor and start putting *SPOILER ALERT* in your status.   Here is an example:

*SPOILER ALERT* Because I am a jerk and don’t care that someone has not yet seen this episode, please scroll down.

 

 

RUIN SHOW PLOT TWIST HERE!

ihate you

Spoilers suck and so do you! #sorrynotsorry

Confessions of a Frequent Flyer

I love to travel.  I live for the opportunity to visit a new place, observe the culture, sample new foods and absorb the history.  It’s something about a new place and different people that reminds me how beautifully diverse our world is.  *cue PBS documentary music*   However, I wish there was an alternative to getting one place to another.  I know driving across the globe is not an option but I kinda wish it was.

As a person who travels frequently one would think that I enjoy flying or at least get used to it but the truth of the matter is flying kind of scares me!  Take off and landing terrify me! It is the moment when all sort of stuff goes on thru my head…most of which includes the plane exploding.

just-not-the-best-thing-to-say-in-an-airplane_1251

When I tell folk how I really feel about flying, they are quick to remind me “yeah but flying is safer than driving a car.” And to them I have two answers… 1) statistically speaking the more I fly, the more I am at risk of being in a plane crash and 2) how often do you hear of someone walking away uninjured from a plane crash? Not often because there is no such thing as a plane fender bender.  Plane crashes are catastrophic and there is no way to water that down.

As if the risk of plummeting from a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet wasn’t enough, I come across this article and this one which only confirms that I should be just as concerned while I am in the air.   Please read the links so that you can be just as bothered as I am.  And allow me to highlight the following:

Pilots sleep during flight? Who is flying the plane dammit?!?! A computer? Is that what happened to the Malaysia flight?

Those oxygen mask only provide you with a 15 minutes supply of air? How am I supposed to breath with no air?

no air

There is so much about these airplane truths that make me uncomfortable!  The one about people stealing life jackets really did me in.

huffposs

No! Not cool! Souvenirs? You people ought to be ashamed? Putting other passengers’ lives at risk because you want to have a memory of your flight to Topeka? It is there for emergency situations not your sentimental purposes!

So no, I don’t like flying…at all.  For now I will continue to book my tickets all for the thrill of another stamp in my passport.  Maybe on my next flight, something this cool will happen:

Seriously how cool would it be to have this be your serenade for take off and landing? What if flying was a Disney experience…it would be the happiest flight (read least terrifying) flight ever!

Correcting the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic

The  older I get, the more frustrated I get with people who have kids that don’t know how to raise them. I completely understand that parenthood may be one of the toughest jobs on earth and I truly respect that fact.  However, just because everyone CAN have children, doesn’t mean everyone SHOULD have children.  Being a lawyer is a pretty tough job too but a person has to pass two test just to have the honor of practicing law; the LSAT and the Bar.  I think that in order to be a parent, one should have to pass an exam.  A parenting test would help cut back on the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic (IPE).

bad-parenting-3

I guess this is the appropriate time to make a disclaimer that I am not a parent nor am I a child person expert.   I would never claim to be.  Parenting is a job that I’m quite frankly not ready to sign up for; I enjoy sleeping in, staying out late, traveling, and spending my money on me.  The moment you become a parent, you instantly lose that privilege. Sucks for parents!   Although at times it feels like I am the last of a dying breed (i.e. 30’s and kid free), I am all the way turnt up in a party for one!  I do like kids, plan to have some one day…whenever I’m less selfish or right before my ovaries dry up, whichever comes first.

I do know that whenever I have kids, I would be game for passing a test about child rearing basics.  I would gladly flash my “I’m more likely not to ruin my child’s life” license and even sport a t-shirt.  And even if a test isn’t available, I would be all for reading some books on how not to raise devil spawn.

The biggest problem with the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic is that devil spawn grow into full size demons.  These are typically the people who you meet in life that have no home training, very rude and very messy grown people.

Said every teacher in America
Said every teacher in America

The issue isn’t bad kids; parents create the behaviors of their children.  Kids can’t help the fact that they have terrible parents.  And terrible parents are not to be faulted for the fact that they don’t know/have what it takes to be a decent parent.  Maybe these parents don’t know that they are contributing to the downfall of mankind by doing an ass poor job of raising their kids. Maybe nobody told them.

weep gif

Since it doesn’t look like lawmakers are jumping on my idea of Parenting Test and Licensing (I’m pretty sure it will generate some money for our local governments, but I digress) I made a list of ways to tell you if your parenting skills are up to par.

  • Your kid (under the age of 13) doesn’t have a bed time and are frequently up watching Scandal with you.
  • Your kids basic food group is sugar.  Not only candy but  sugary cereals, soda and/or fruit drink, pop tarts, white bread, white pasta, white carbs in general.
  • Your kid hasn’t had vegetables in a week.
  • Your kid constantly interrupts your conversations and you never teach the value of the words “excuse me”.
  • You don’t know your teacher’s name.  That means you never read the paperwork sent home and you’ve never gone to a parent teacher conference
  • Your child twerks and your record it on video and put it on YouTube.

twerk tiaras

  • Your child fails their weekly spelling test but knows every word to all the top 40 songs.
  • Your child says “huh” and “what” to adults.  Okay this can just be a peeve of this southern girl who was also taught to put a handle to grown folks names.  My friends still call my mom Ms. Stephanie.  We also say “ma’am” and “sir”.
  • Your toddler’s vocabulary consist mostly of foul and explicit language. Instead of correcting them, you encourage them.  One day, they will embarrass you in church.
  • Your kid doesn’t have chores.  Like none. Not even making up their bed.  The old adage says cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Maybe they are less likely to act like the devil is they know how to clean up. Just a thought.

Smoking Baby

Please note, the above is not a comprehensive list of symptoms but it is a start. If you or anyone you know suffer from more than one of these issues then in my completely unprofessional and unexperienced opinion you are contributing to the insufficient parenting epidemic.  If you or anyone reading this is offended by my commentary, I am pretty sure that you lack a sense a humor and/or are also very bad at child rearing. #TruthHurts

Can I Get Medical Coverage for Retail Therapy?

#ToastTip and possible surgeon general’s warning:  Living on a budget can be detrimental to your health

Retail Therapy
I want a pair of Manolo’s.  I want a fancy gym membership. I want to eat sushi. Go to the grocery store and buy grass feed steak, chia sees and Perrier water.  I want to go get my nails done weekly and add new shades to my mac eye color palette.  BUT I CAN’T because I live on a budget.  My budget is helping me save for things like a car and pay off things like student loans.

But sometimes, I don’t want to be responsible! Sometimes, I just want buy what I want! All of this responsibility is stressful.  Living on a budget and keeping a constant eye on your bank account is worrisome.  And there’s only one way I know to fix it… SHOPPING

Retail therapy is called THERAPY for a reason.  It’s an outlet to release those things that are burdening you.  And we all know its not good to keep stress bottled inside.  Stress can make you lose hair, gain weight and smoke cigarettes.  Weight gain can lead to obesity, diabetes and in some cases cancer.  Cigarettes definitely leads to cancer and if not, bad gums.  So instead of stress leading to my bad health, I think its best that we just shop.  And because retail therapy helps avoid a cascade of medical conditions, I propose that all retail therapy is covered by medical insurance.