Creative Ways to Say No

…even tho no should be enough. Women have been getting brutally attacked and even murdered for rejecting a man’s advances.  Here a few ways to say “No” in the case you are met by a man with issues of hyper masculinity mixed with ego and low self confidence. No should always mean no, no matter how you say it!

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The Intellectual Genius of Kim Kardashian

Nearly 10 years ago, Kim Kardashian became a household name and would help change the landscape of entertainment.  Kimberly grew to be famous not for her intellect, business acumen or great sense of humor.  No—she became famous because she slept with Brandy’s brother and video taped it.  Ever since then the world—for whatever reason–has grown deeply obsessed with Kimberly, her love life and her family.

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While I’m not one of the millions that has watched her shows, I was amused at her recent ability to #BreaktheIntenet but showing us the naked display of her backside. It was here where I developed a theory about Ms. Kardashian West.  She is obviously an attractive woman (if pretty face, skinny waist and a butt for days –natural or otherwise– is your thing), with strong business know how, and deep family values.  But the only way she can get our attention is by sharing her self- mostly nude- with us?  That doesn’t seem right.

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That thought right there made me go hmmm? What if Kimberly Kardashian West is more than what meets our eye?  What if she is currently conducting the world’s longest dissertation research on all America? Her study is called “America’s Curiosity of the Exploit of Women as Sexual Beings.” Her thesis is simple: sex sells, especially in America.

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You can talk about how you are bored by her antics but then,  she (or her hubby) does something to get you talking about her again. It is our consistent ability to be entertained by such shenanigans that contributes to her rise in fame and wealth.

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Yes, I’d rather create reason for chaos than to  deal with a world where people are famous without merrit.  I understand that there is a very good chance that my theory is off base but I’m really rooting for this.

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In the small likeliness that I am correct, I’d like to congratulate the future Dr. Kardashian West for accomplishing two amazing feats—her ambitious journey to educate the masses and dealing with Kanye West.  No shade here.

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Apparently Sex is Only for Single People

I hate the fact that I feel like I have to give disclaimers to things that are otherwise everyday conversation…but here goes.  As a church girl, I completely and legitimately understand that we uphold the value that sex is best in married relationships. However, as most of my friends approach 30 and are not married— the conversation shifts just a bit.

Glad that’s done…moving on.

Lately I have had the opportunity to talk to my married friends about how their life and relationships have been enhanced since they exchanged vows.  I get the occasional “I love doing life with my best friend.” But for the most part, responses are always dismal. I don’t know if married couples are trying to be cautious when talking to their single friends or if marriage actually sucks. dirty-celebrity-divorces-kim-kardashian-kris-humphries-more

I have had this conversation with multiple friends — both men and women — and the dialog seldom changes.

Me: “So how’s it going? How’s married life?”

Married Friend (MF):  “Oh its fine. Hard. It has its ups and downs but I will say you have it good. Don’t rush to get married.”  followed by “It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be” or “being single is so much more fun” followed by “why did I get married again?”

Me: “I mean what about knowing you have someone to come home to? You know, you don’t have to go to bed alone every night.”

MF“Oh sex isn’t like what you’re thinking. It’s not like how it was before we got married. Now we are busy, jobs got hectic. He/She gets on my nerves. It’s just not what it used to be.” and if they have children…they always blame the lack of sex on children.nosex

What part of the game is this? Why are all married people insisting that marriage is modern-day torture? Why aren’t married people having sex? What drastically changes from being in an exclusive monogamous relationship to being in a legally recognized exclusive monogamous relationship?  I understand that kids make your life hectic thus making it difficult to carve out cuddly sexy time with your spouse.

I also understand that sex is NOT the basis for an entire marriage. There are other things at play. But in the eyes of a single woman who is fully aware of her sexuality…I can’t imagine it NOT being a part of a healthy relationship. Come on married people, you have a built-in cut buddy! No, sex doesn’t have to happen once a day but it needs to happen and it can’t be a chore.

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Remember before you got married…sex was fun! What happened. Why is sex only exciting when you are single? What are single people doing that married people aren’t? Discover the secret and make sex fun again! Have sex again! Put on some Beyoncé and figure out how to “Surfboard!” Read “50 Shades of Grey” and get some sexy time ideas!  Stop telling us non married people who marriage has ruined your sex life.

Why am i so adamant about this? Because I want to believe that marriage is more than a business contract giving you tax credit and splitting the monthly bills in half (or doubling student loans). It has to be greater than that? If not, why get married?

tumblr_m5fz57yOcB1qefwl8o1_400So prove to me that sex is not only for single people.

Church, Feminism and Sex

When it comes to topics church related, I try to be sensitive and respectful.  I after all, am a follower of Christ and I do believe that somethings should be handled with reverence.  However, I am also naturally sarcastic and even my most serious tone seems to offend. So let this serve as a disclaimer and let the ranting begin!

I recently read a blog entitled “The Need for Christian Families to Address the Issue of Modesty” and while I appreciated the heart behind it kind of see where the author was coming from, I was mostly bothered by the message.  I first came across the blog last week and instead of poppin off at the mouth and immediately voicing my opinion as I usually do, I stepped back to see if my opinion on the subject would change.  It didn’t. At all. The more I thought about it, the more I was offended by it.

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I mean in the blog, it was stated that parents should encourage their daughters to dress modestly so that young men would not be tempted…  -_-    Seriously? Are we going to use the same argument people use to blame rape on women.  You know the “if she wasn’t dressed provocatively the man could have repressed his animalistic urges and not raped her” argument. If it sounds ridiculous, it is because it is!

Obviously that was enough to get me to heated but I continued reading so that I could be as objective as possible.  And to be fair to the author, he did acknowledge that he is not trying  “to justify the way men think” but for me the damage was already done. Too often in church and as Christians, when it comes to issues of sex between men and women, the burden of purity always falls on women.

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Sometimes it seems as being Christian and being a feminist (well let’s say a feminist in the same fashion as Beyoncé is a feminist) is in itself a conflict of interest.  Growing up in an old school Baptist church I’ve come across sexist ideologies.  For example, we learn about Adam and Eve and the origins of sin. Many times, I’ve heard ministers blame Eve for the fall of man.  Although scripture clearly indicates that Adam made a conscious decision to deliberately disobey God, independent of Eve, people still choose to blame Eve…but who am I? What would have happened if Adam decided that he wasn’t going to give into peer pressure and refused to eat the apple?I’m positive it would be slightly different outcome for Adam.  Sure, Eve should be held accountable for her disobedience but she should NOT be held accountable for Adam’s err as well. However the burden of this sin involving a man and a women fell onto the women’s shoulders.

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This school of thought has perpetuated some problematic practices in church culture. There was a time when a girl who was pregnant outside of marriage, was required to stand before the congregation to apologize for her waywardness. Again, the burden of the sin fell on the woman.

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Sex shaming…sin shaming..shaming…all sounds anti Jesus to me.  *in my old black southern pastor voice* If you will turn in your Bible’s with me to the gospel of Saint John chapter 8, starting at verse number 2, it reads:

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

Men have always been quick to place the burden of sin on the woman.  This passage of scripture is a prime example where was the man she was accused of having sex with? Why didn’t he get called out?   Thank God for Jesus or this scenario would have been completely different.

We live in a society that promotes sex and lots of it.  We live in an age that people are getting married later and later.  We go to churches and practice a religion that encourages people to remain chaise until marriage.  We emphasize to young girls that they should remain virgins but excuse men because well…men will be men.  We excuse men because “the way men think” is different.  Yet, when a woman embraces sexuality she is a “whore”. A whore? Really?

There are churches that require their female members to wear long skirts and long sleeves as not to tempt men into lust or adultery.  Imagine going to church with a full suit on and panty hose on in the middle of summer…and some churches don’t have air conditioning. So you want me fully dressed for a trip to Antarctica in the middle of the summer just so a man won’t be tempted?  Oh puhlease! My mother states it best “if seeing your shoulders will cause him to fall, he was already going to hell anyway”.

Modesty does not equate sexual purity.  A girl rocking a full-out Amish wardrobe is just as capable of lifting her skirt and partaking in the act as her scantily clad counterpart. There are other issues that need to be addressed. Yes, addressed and not swept under the rug.  If we are going to encourage people not to have sex before marriage as a way to honor God let’s make it just that, honoring God.  Let’s not shame women into dressing like nuns so that men won’t be tempted. Let’s not have a double standard.  Let our boys be held accountable by the same measures.

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I agree, young women should carry themselves and dress in a certain way out of self-respect. However, I don’t think showing shoulders, back or mid drift is in bad taste. However, if we are going to teach our daughters to dress modest, let’s also teach our sons to do the same.

Young men, I have to believe that wearing baggy pants is a way for you to show off your assets. You are trying to tempt young women.  Also, your tight skinny jeans…I know you are trying to show off your package and that is not of God.  Men, I am fully aware that you walk around topless full-out Putin style trying to make me hot and bothered.  *clutching my pearls* Your invisible washboard abs may cause me to sin, so please for the eternal sake of your sister in Christ, put a shirt on!

Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!
Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!

I’ve only scratched the surface. There are many more issues that stem from this topic alone. One of the biggest things is that the Church must change how we think about sex and sexuality. Here is one last read on the topic.  Oh yeah, I am fully aware that my use of Easy A, Beyoncé, Lena Dunham and sarcasm may not be the best way to address the issue…but let’s all agree it’s probably the most fun way to express my thoughts.