The Intellectual Genius of Kim Kardashian

Nearly 10 years ago, Kim Kardashian became a household name and would help change the landscape of entertainment.  Kimberly grew to be famous not for her intellect, business acumen or great sense of humor.  No—she became famous because she slept with Brandy’s brother and video taped it.  Ever since then the world—for whatever reason–has grown deeply obsessed with Kimberly, her love life and her family.

sheseverywhere

While I’m not one of the millions that has watched her shows, I was amused at her recent ability to #BreaktheIntenet but showing us the naked display of her backside. It was here where I developed a theory about Ms. Kardashian West.  She is obviously an attractive woman (if pretty face, skinny waist and a butt for days –natural or otherwise– is your thing), with strong business know how, and deep family values.  But the only way she can get our attention is by sharing her self- mostly nude- with us?  That doesn’t seem right.

doesthatseemright

That thought right there made me go hmmm? What if Kimberly Kardashian West is more than what meets our eye?  What if she is currently conducting the world’s longest dissertation research on all America? Her study is called “America’s Curiosity of the Exploit of Women as Sexual Beings.” Her thesis is simple: sex sells, especially in America.

NoFacts

You can talk about how you are bored by her antics but then,  she (or her hubby) does something to get you talking about her again. It is our consistent ability to be entertained by such shenanigans that contributes to her rise in fame and wealth.

Disturbing

Yes, I’d rather create reason for chaos than to  deal with a world where people are famous without merrit.  I understand that there is a very good chance that my theory is off base but I’m really rooting for this.

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In the small likeliness that I am correct, I’d like to congratulate the future Dr. Kardashian West for accomplishing two amazing feats—her ambitious journey to educate the masses and dealing with Kanye West.  No shade here.

noshadebutshade

Boredom

My life is boring. Like seriously, if you were to ask me what I did for fun I would not be able to answer and if I did answer, I would have to say that my Sunday naps are the highlight of my life. I like to read, I like to travel, I like to shop and I love to sleep.  Most of my everyday life consist of writing, editing or running the day to day operations for LackToast Entertainment.  Wow…I even managed to make that sound mundane.

giphy

Why do I share this with you? Maybe because I have this strong urge to hop on a plane and go explore the world. Get lost traveling in Brazil, hiking in Peru, sleeping on the beaches of the Mediterranean…doing anything but sitting in front of my computer and staring at youtube videos of cute kittens!

provincial-life

I want to LIVE!  If you are calling me dramatic right now, you may be justified.  I realize that there are more things in life to write about and to concern myself with.  However, I am too bored out of mind to even care! I need to shake things up.  I’m 31 and I have never had a one night stand…mostly because it’s out of my character, I’m scared of STD’s, I feel like sex is a bit more sacred than that and I would hate to randomly get preggers by a fly by night fling (yeah I know the chances of that happening are slim to none)…I digressed.  

Mean Girls_Sex ed

Basically Bible camp ruined any of my chances for walking out the free liberated life style. I need suggestions to add more excitement. Like choosing mango sorbet over vanilla ice cream, sprinkling Tajin on my fruit and veggies or maybe ordering a quesadilla instead of a salad at Chipotle.  Help me people, I am desperate. Any suggestions?

 

 

Church, Feminism and Sex

When it comes to topics church related, I try to be sensitive and respectful.  I after all, am a follower of Christ and I do believe that somethings should be handled with reverence.  However, I am also naturally sarcastic and even my most serious tone seems to offend. So let this serve as a disclaimer and let the ranting begin!

I recently read a blog entitled “The Need for Christian Families to Address the Issue of Modesty” and while I appreciated the heart behind it kind of see where the author was coming from, I was mostly bothered by the message.  I first came across the blog last week and instead of poppin off at the mouth and immediately voicing my opinion as I usually do, I stepped back to see if my opinion on the subject would change.  It didn’t. At all. The more I thought about it, the more I was offended by it.

nene

I mean in the blog, it was stated that parents should encourage their daughters to dress modestly so that young men would not be tempted…  -_-    Seriously? Are we going to use the same argument people use to blame rape on women.  You know the “if she wasn’t dressed provocatively the man could have repressed his animalistic urges and not raped her” argument. If it sounds ridiculous, it is because it is!

Obviously that was enough to get me to heated but I continued reading so that I could be as objective as possible.  And to be fair to the author, he did acknowledge that he is not trying  “to justify the way men think” but for me the damage was already done. Too often in church and as Christians, when it comes to issues of sex between men and women, the burden of purity always falls on women.

beyonce feminist 2

Sometimes it seems as being Christian and being a feminist (well let’s say a feminist in the same fashion as Beyoncé is a feminist) is in itself a conflict of interest.  Growing up in an old school Baptist church I’ve come across sexist ideologies.  For example, we learn about Adam and Eve and the origins of sin. Many times, I’ve heard ministers blame Eve for the fall of man.  Although scripture clearly indicates that Adam made a conscious decision to deliberately disobey God, independent of Eve, people still choose to blame Eve…but who am I? What would have happened if Adam decided that he wasn’t going to give into peer pressure and refused to eat the apple?I’m positive it would be slightly different outcome for Adam.  Sure, Eve should be held accountable for her disobedience but she should NOT be held accountable for Adam’s err as well. However the burden of this sin involving a man and a women fell onto the women’s shoulders.

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This school of thought has perpetuated some problematic practices in church culture. There was a time when a girl who was pregnant outside of marriage, was required to stand before the congregation to apologize for her waywardness. Again, the burden of the sin fell on the woman.

easy a

Sex shaming…sin shaming..shaming…all sounds anti Jesus to me.  *in my old black southern pastor voice* If you will turn in your Bible’s with me to the gospel of Saint John chapter 8, starting at verse number 2, it reads:

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.

Men have always been quick to place the burden of sin on the woman.  This passage of scripture is a prime example where was the man she was accused of having sex with? Why didn’t he get called out?   Thank God for Jesus or this scenario would have been completely different.

We live in a society that promotes sex and lots of it.  We live in an age that people are getting married later and later.  We go to churches and practice a religion that encourages people to remain chaise until marriage.  We emphasize to young girls that they should remain virgins but excuse men because well…men will be men.  We excuse men because “the way men think” is different.  Yet, when a woman embraces sexuality she is a “whore”. A whore? Really?

There are churches that require their female members to wear long skirts and long sleeves as not to tempt men into lust or adultery.  Imagine going to church with a full suit on and panty hose on in the middle of summer…and some churches don’t have air conditioning. So you want me fully dressed for a trip to Antarctica in the middle of the summer just so a man won’t be tempted?  Oh puhlease! My mother states it best “if seeing your shoulders will cause him to fall, he was already going to hell anyway”.

Modesty does not equate sexual purity.  A girl rocking a full-out Amish wardrobe is just as capable of lifting her skirt and partaking in the act as her scantily clad counterpart. There are other issues that need to be addressed. Yes, addressed and not swept under the rug.  If we are going to encourage people not to have sex before marriage as a way to honor God let’s make it just that, honoring God.  Let’s not shame women into dressing like nuns so that men won’t be tempted. Let’s not have a double standard.  Let our boys be held accountable by the same measures.

easy a 2

I agree, young women should carry themselves and dress in a certain way out of self-respect. However, I don’t think showing shoulders, back or mid drift is in bad taste. However, if we are going to teach our daughters to dress modest, let’s also teach our sons to do the same.

Young men, I have to believe that wearing baggy pants is a way for you to show off your assets. You are trying to tempt young women.  Also, your tight skinny jeans…I know you are trying to show off your package and that is not of God.  Men, I am fully aware that you walk around topless full-out Putin style trying to make me hot and bothered.  *clutching my pearls* Your invisible washboard abs may cause me to sin, so please for the eternal sake of your sister in Christ, put a shirt on!

Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!
Shirtless and Baggy Pants? Hide yo daughters!

I’ve only scratched the surface. There are many more issues that stem from this topic alone. One of the biggest things is that the Church must change how we think about sex and sexuality. Here is one last read on the topic.  Oh yeah, I am fully aware that my use of Easy A, Beyoncé, Lena Dunham and sarcasm may not be the best way to address the issue…but let’s all agree it’s probably the most fun way to express my thoughts.

Correcting the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic

The  older I get, the more frustrated I get with people who have kids that don’t know how to raise them. I completely understand that parenthood may be one of the toughest jobs on earth and I truly respect that fact.  However, just because everyone CAN have children, doesn’t mean everyone SHOULD have children.  Being a lawyer is a pretty tough job too but a person has to pass two test just to have the honor of practicing law; the LSAT and the Bar.  I think that in order to be a parent, one should have to pass an exam.  A parenting test would help cut back on the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic (IPE).

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I guess this is the appropriate time to make a disclaimer that I am not a parent nor am I a child person expert.   I would never claim to be.  Parenting is a job that I’m quite frankly not ready to sign up for; I enjoy sleeping in, staying out late, traveling, and spending my money on me.  The moment you become a parent, you instantly lose that privilege. Sucks for parents!   Although at times it feels like I am the last of a dying breed (i.e. 30’s and kid free), I am all the way turnt up in a party for one!  I do like kids, plan to have some one day…whenever I’m less selfish or right before my ovaries dry up, whichever comes first.

I do know that whenever I have kids, I would be game for passing a test about child rearing basics.  I would gladly flash my “I’m more likely not to ruin my child’s life” license and even sport a t-shirt.  And even if a test isn’t available, I would be all for reading some books on how not to raise devil spawn.

The biggest problem with the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic is that devil spawn grow into full size demons.  These are typically the people who you meet in life that have no home training, very rude and very messy grown people.

Said every teacher in America
Said every teacher in America

The issue isn’t bad kids; parents create the behaviors of their children.  Kids can’t help the fact that they have terrible parents.  And terrible parents are not to be faulted for the fact that they don’t know/have what it takes to be a decent parent.  Maybe these parents don’t know that they are contributing to the downfall of mankind by doing an ass poor job of raising their kids. Maybe nobody told them.

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Since it doesn’t look like lawmakers are jumping on my idea of Parenting Test and Licensing (I’m pretty sure it will generate some money for our local governments, but I digress) I made a list of ways to tell you if your parenting skills are up to par.

  • Your kid (under the age of 13) doesn’t have a bed time and are frequently up watching Scandal with you.
  • Your kids basic food group is sugar.  Not only candy but  sugary cereals, soda and/or fruit drink, pop tarts, white bread, white pasta, white carbs in general.
  • Your kid hasn’t had vegetables in a week.
  • Your kid constantly interrupts your conversations and you never teach the value of the words “excuse me”.
  • You don’t know your teacher’s name.  That means you never read the paperwork sent home and you’ve never gone to a parent teacher conference
  • Your child twerks and your record it on video and put it on YouTube.

twerk tiaras

  • Your child fails their weekly spelling test but knows every word to all the top 40 songs.
  • Your child says “huh” and “what” to adults.  Okay this can just be a peeve of this southern girl who was also taught to put a handle to grown folks names.  My friends still call my mom Ms. Stephanie.  We also say “ma’am” and “sir”.
  • Your toddler’s vocabulary consist mostly of foul and explicit language. Instead of correcting them, you encourage them.  One day, they will embarrass you in church.
  • Your kid doesn’t have chores.  Like none. Not even making up their bed.  The old adage says cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Maybe they are less likely to act like the devil is they know how to clean up. Just a thought.

Smoking Baby

Please note, the above is not a comprehensive list of symptoms but it is a start. If you or anyone you know suffer from more than one of these issues then in my completely unprofessional and unexperienced opinion you are contributing to the insufficient parenting epidemic.  If you or anyone reading this is offended by my commentary, I am pretty sure that you lack a sense a humor and/or are also very bad at child rearing. #TruthHurts

Because Condoms don’t work

#ToastTip- If you don’t want another baby’s mama then please STOP SLEEPING AROUND

 

A vasectomy Slim Thug? Really?

 

I am all for birth control methods but its something super irresponsible and unattractive about a grown man who decides to snip themselves because they don’t think they can control their man apparatus.  If you are NOT married and young enough to one day get married, your future wife just may want kids…the fact that you made a life long decision based on inability to control an impulsive desire has now impacted your future wife.  I could be exaggerating but I am not…

 

Jay-Z did at one point say, “Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothing, never happen. I’ll be forever macin” Then like 6 years later he married Beyonce.  So what in that period of time, Jay said I’m not getting married and I don’t want to deal with a baby’s mama…let me snip my junk ??? Then we would not have a baby Blue Ivy.

 

But then again, there are some people with the proven track record that demonstrates their inability to keep stop sewing a seed or to wear a condom or to have sex with females that take birth control pills.  For those men, I say SNIP AWAY!