Sometimes Old Folk Get Away with Sexual Harassment

Today I was minding my own business riding Los Angeles public transportation (absolutely the worst) when an old man (in his 70’s) started ogling me.  He began by offering a simple compliment, something like “Girl you so fine I can’t stop staring at you.” I said thank you and continued texting because that’s generally how I ignore strangers.  But then he continues, this time more in the vein of “Girl the things I would do to you if I was a few years younger.” At this point, I’m a little disgusted but he’s old so I smile and continue with my texting.


At this point he’s moaning, licking his lips like a petrified LL Cool J and thrusting his hips and boldly declares “I just want to kiss you all over and not stop.”


Okay sir, you are just being nasty.  Before I have time to react, he gets up to get off the bus and plants a wet hairy kiss on my cheek—and states “Sorry baby that was an accident. But thanks for making my day.”  I felt like a cheap date, more like a cheap hooker.


This moment left me completely baffled. Had it been a younger guy, I definitely would have slapped him.  He wouldn’t have even gotten to that point.  I would have read him his rights about his compliments were not actually compliments but mostly along the lines of sexual harassment.  Then I asked myself: Why is that senior citizens get away with stuff that their juniors would probably get cussed out for.


Like the grandmother that insults the newborn baby or tells you how much weight you’ve gained. You getting to be a fat thing aren’t you.” Is it just me or is the freedom of speech only applicable to those 65 and over?  I look forward to going through whatever rites of passage that allows me to say whatever I want to whomever. I’ll be a 100 year old serial creeper, feeling on younger men on the low and dare them to say anything.  It’ll be just my luck they start revoking the geriatric privilege card rights, like social security.

Apparently Sex is Only for Single People

I hate the fact that I feel like I have to give disclaimers to things that are otherwise everyday conversation…but here goes.  As a church girl, I completely and legitimately understand that we uphold the value that sex is best in married relationships. However, as most of my friends approach 30 and are not married— the conversation shifts just a bit.

Glad that’s done…moving on.

Lately I have had the opportunity to talk to my married friends about how their life and relationships have been enhanced since they exchanged vows.  I get the occasional “I love doing life with my best friend.” But for the most part, responses are always dismal. I don’t know if married couples are trying to be cautious when talking to their single friends or if marriage actually sucks. dirty-celebrity-divorces-kim-kardashian-kris-humphries-more

I have had this conversation with multiple friends — both men and women — and the dialog seldom changes.

Me: “So how’s it going? How’s married life?”

Married Friend (MF):  “Oh its fine. Hard. It has its ups and downs but I will say you have it good. Don’t rush to get married.”  followed by “It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be” or “being single is so much more fun” followed by “why did I get married again?”

Me: “I mean what about knowing you have someone to come home to? You know, you don’t have to go to bed alone every night.”

MF“Oh sex isn’t like what you’re thinking. It’s not like how it was before we got married. Now we are busy, jobs got hectic. He/She gets on my nerves. It’s just not what it used to be.” and if they have children…they always blame the lack of sex on children.nosex

What part of the game is this? Why are all married people insisting that marriage is modern-day torture? Why aren’t married people having sex? What drastically changes from being in an exclusive monogamous relationship to being in a legally recognized exclusive monogamous relationship?  I understand that kids make your life hectic thus making it difficult to carve out cuddly sexy time with your spouse.

I also understand that sex is NOT the basis for an entire marriage. There are other things at play. But in the eyes of a single woman who is fully aware of her sexuality…I can’t imagine it NOT being a part of a healthy relationship. Come on married people, you have a built-in cut buddy! No, sex doesn’t have to happen once a day but it needs to happen and it can’t be a chore.


Remember before you got married…sex was fun! What happened. Why is sex only exciting when you are single? What are single people doing that married people aren’t? Discover the secret and make sex fun again! Have sex again! Put on some Beyoncé and figure out how to “Surfboard!” Read “50 Shades of Grey” and get some sexy time ideas!  Stop telling us non married people who marriage has ruined your sex life.

Why am i so adamant about this? Because I want to believe that marriage is more than a business contract giving you tax credit and splitting the monthly bills in half (or doubling student loans). It has to be greater than that? If not, why get married?

tumblr_m5fz57yOcB1qefwl8o1_400So prove to me that sex is not only for single people.

Confessions of a Black Girl Who Can’t Dance

I’d like to dedicate this post to all my black American sisters who defy the stereotype.

Cue: Spice Girls “If You Can’t Dance”

I think one of the most overlooked tragedies of stereotyping people by race is the stress that it causes those of us who do not entirely fit the mold.  There are so many things that black people are supposed to do that I don’t really do…and for the most part I am fine with that.  See, growing up with the “Cosby Show” made it socially acceptable for me not to completely fulfill certain stereotypes.  However, there was one stereotype that the Cosby show did not exclude me from…

167860_o giphy tumblr_lp1wdhYlyq1r00k3po1_r2_500cosby-show-o

DANCING! Before middle school the idea of my inability to dance never crossed my mind.  I mean I was in dance class (ballet and tap) so I mean I could dance but I would soon learn I couldn’t DANCE.

m4I wasn’t trying to twerk it in middle school but I did sign up for step team.  It was here that I should have seen the first sign!  It was painful…I was the last one to learn any of the complex steps. The other girls kept telling me just to listen to the rhythm but I just couldn’t figure it out.  By the time our step show came around, I only mastered one of the steps…so that was the only I did and I had to sit on the sideline and watch as the other girls all stomped for their lives as the rest of the school yelled “Alright!” “Get it, girls”  and “I see you!”


I eventually lived down that disappointment mostly because in between I was able to move to a new town and start over.  In my teen years I found myself locked in my room practicing my dance skills.  Songs like “Back that a$$ up” and “Whistle while you twerk” were popular and I needed to make sure that I was on point.  It was during this time in my bedroom that I realized that my aspirations of dancing like a video girl would never come to fruition.  I just didn’t have it.


How in the world was I supposed to go through life as a black girl who couldn’t dance? Not only that, how am I half African without rhythm…how did the ancestors completely skip out of blessing me with the dancing ability?  In college I first thought the best way to avoid facing the embarrassment of my reality was to avoid going out all together.  And when I did eventually go out…it was mostly “just for the atmosphere.”  If I guy asked me to dance, I would mostly decline and I know for that fact there are a lot of guys who assume that I am probably some stuck up girl that wouldn’t give them the time of day but I couldn’t bring myself to say “Oh, I’m really bad at dancing let’s just have a drink.”  That would be like admitting that I can’t tie my shoe!

And for the most part I’ve learned to deal.  I’ve learned that there are other black girls just like me.  Often times we go out together dance in our rhythmless uncoordinated ways and enjoy ourselves.  There are times when we see white girls getting it in and we do feel a pang of jealousy.  I mean yeah…we were told that dancing was a right that we were entitled to by birth but somehow that was completely snatched from us!

twerk-fraulesYes, if we encounter these girls when we are out there would be collection of side eyes from the R&UBGB (Rhythmless and Uncoordinated Black Girls Club).



My life is boring. Like seriously, if you were to ask me what I did for fun I would not be able to answer and if I did answer, I would have to say that my Sunday naps are the highlight of my life. I like to read, I like to travel, I like to shop and I love to sleep.  Most of my everyday life consist of writing, editing or running the day to day operations for LackToast Entertainment.  Wow…I even managed to make that sound mundane.


Why do I share this with you? Maybe because I have this strong urge to hop on a plane and go explore the world. Get lost traveling in Brazil, hiking in Peru, sleeping on the beaches of the Mediterranean…doing anything but sitting in front of my computer and staring at youtube videos of cute kittens!


I want to LIVE!  If you are calling me dramatic right now, you may be justified.  I realize that there are more things in life to write about and to concern myself with.  However, I am too bored out of mind to even care! I need to shake things up.  I’m 31 and I have never had a one night stand…mostly because it’s out of my character, I’m scared of STD’s, I feel like sex is a bit more sacred than that and I would hate to randomly get preggers by a fly by night fling (yeah I know the chances of that happening are slim to none)…I digressed.  

Mean Girls_Sex ed

Basically Bible camp ruined any of my chances for walking out the free liberated life style. I need suggestions to add more excitement. Like choosing mango sorbet over vanilla ice cream, sprinkling Tajin on my fruit and veggies or maybe ordering a quesadilla instead of a salad at Chipotle.  Help me people, I am desperate. Any suggestions?



Commitment Issues

The next time I talk to my friend and he tells me about how he and his picture perfect family (wife and two kids) spent the day together doing nice family things and I respond “how blessed you are” and then he replies “you got your siblings” I promise I will say some unkind words!


I hate smug married/coupled up people’s condescending remarks to single people.  Okay, I know he probably wasn’t trying to be the smug douche that he came off as…in fact I can say that some of it had to do with me and the fact that I am pretty much over being single.  But c’mon people in relationships! Do I really need to give you a list of what NOT to say to people who are single?

I won’t give you a full list but just know that some of the things on the list include: 1) I remember when I was single, it was so much easier  or 2) you are so lucky, you don’t know how good you have it or 3) you’re not lonely, you have your mom/dad/brother or sister.


Seriously? If you say these things, you deserve to be kicked in your throat.  But that is not why I am writing.  I am writing mostly because I had my own personal “aha” moment.  I realized that although I am over being single, I have not committed to the idea of dating.


I am probably one of the few women who HATES dating.  The entire process is so phony to me.  Everyone sends their representative, says all the things that they think you want to hear, plays childish dating games and ultimately end up wasting precious time and emotions.  Listen, I am over 30. I don’t have time to play college games.  What are we doing? Can I get to know the real you? If you are only looking for sex, I am not the one.  If you are only looking to “kick it” go away.  These are the things I hate having to sift through.  I don’t understand why it takes so much work.

I am fine with committing to my career.  I am fine working long hours and sacrificing sleep for something I know will yield a benefit.  When it comes to dating, I am not willing to do the same thing for a maybe.  And I can admit that I’m tired of my heart being hurt so I am extra cautious.  I really just have a low tolerance for bullshit.  Is it possible to date without the crap?


My biological clock is ticking and I currently am the living version of Katherine Heigl’s character in 27 dresses… how’s the online dating scene?