Add to the list of things that I have no patience for “Grown men who are attracted to and act upon their attractions to kids under the age of 18.”

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Yeah, I really don’t care if the age of consent in your state is the age of 16—grown people who actively pursue children are horribly disgusting and “allegedly” Jared Fogle former Subway spokesperson falls into this group of people. Not only am I disturbed but I am also wondering how Chris Hansen missed out on this! It’s not too late to think about doing a “To Catch a Predator” celebrity edition!

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P.S. I think its awesome that he went to Kickstarter to bring the show back!

Anyway, check out Episode 5 and let me know your thoughts!

Commitment Issues

The next time I talk to my friend and he tells me about how he and his picture perfect family (wife and two kids) spent the day together doing nice family things and I respond “how blessed you are” and then he replies “you got your siblings” I promise I will say some unkind words!

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I hate smug married/coupled up people’s condescending remarks to single people.  Okay, I know he probably wasn’t trying to be the smug douche that he came off as…in fact I can say that some of it had to do with me and the fact that I am pretty much over being single.  But c’mon people in relationships! Do I really need to give you a list of what NOT to say to people who are single?

I won’t give you a full list but just know that some of the things on the list include: 1) I remember when I was single, it was so much easier  or 2) you are so lucky, you don’t know how good you have it or 3) you’re not lonely, you have your mom/dad/brother or sister.

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Seriously? If you say these things, you deserve to be kicked in your throat.  But that is not why I am writing.  I am writing mostly because I had my own personal “aha” moment.  I realized that although I am over being single, I have not committed to the idea of dating.

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I am probably one of the few women who HATES dating.  The entire process is so phony to me.  Everyone sends their representative, says all the things that they think you want to hear, plays childish dating games and ultimately end up wasting precious time and emotions.  Listen, I am over 30. I don’t have time to play college games.  What are we doing? Can I get to know the real you? If you are only looking for sex, I am not the one.  If you are only looking to “kick it” go away.  These are the things I hate having to sift through.  I don’t understand why it takes so much work.

I am fine with committing to my career.  I am fine working long hours and sacrificing sleep for something I know will yield a benefit.  When it comes to dating, I am not willing to do the same thing for a maybe.  And I can admit that I’m tired of my heart being hurt so I am extra cautious.  I really just have a low tolerance for bullshit.  Is it possible to date without the crap?

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My biological clock is ticking and I currently am the living version of Katherine Heigl’s character in 27 dresses… how’s the online dating scene?

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Correcting the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic

The  older I get, the more frustrated I get with people who have kids that don’t know how to raise them. I completely understand that parenthood may be one of the toughest jobs on earth and I truly respect that fact.  However, just because everyone CAN have children, doesn’t mean everyone SHOULD have children.  Being a lawyer is a pretty tough job too but a person has to pass two test just to have the honor of practicing law; the LSAT and the Bar.  I think that in order to be a parent, one should have to pass an exam.  A parenting test would help cut back on the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic (IPE).

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I guess this is the appropriate time to make a disclaimer that I am not a parent nor am I a child person expert.   I would never claim to be.  Parenting is a job that I’m quite frankly not ready to sign up for; I enjoy sleeping in, staying out late, traveling, and spending my money on me.  The moment you become a parent, you instantly lose that privilege. Sucks for parents!   Although at times it feels like I am the last of a dying breed (i.e. 30’s and kid free), I am all the way turnt up in a party for one!  I do like kids, plan to have some one day…whenever I’m less selfish or right before my ovaries dry up, whichever comes first.

I do know that whenever I have kids, I would be game for passing a test about child rearing basics.  I would gladly flash my “I’m more likely not to ruin my child’s life” license and even sport a t-shirt.  And even if a test isn’t available, I would be all for reading some books on how not to raise devil spawn.

The biggest problem with the Insufficient Parenting Epidemic is that devil spawn grow into full size demons.  These are typically the people who you meet in life that have no home training, very rude and very messy grown people.

Said every teacher in America
Said every teacher in America

The issue isn’t bad kids; parents create the behaviors of their children.  Kids can’t help the fact that they have terrible parents.  And terrible parents are not to be faulted for the fact that they don’t know/have what it takes to be a decent parent.  Maybe these parents don’t know that they are contributing to the downfall of mankind by doing an ass poor job of raising their kids. Maybe nobody told them.

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Since it doesn’t look like lawmakers are jumping on my idea of Parenting Test and Licensing (I’m pretty sure it will generate some money for our local governments, but I digress) I made a list of ways to tell you if your parenting skills are up to par.

  • Your kid (under the age of 13) doesn’t have a bed time and are frequently up watching Scandal with you.
  • Your kids basic food group is sugar.  Not only candy but  sugary cereals, soda and/or fruit drink, pop tarts, white bread, white pasta, white carbs in general.
  • Your kid hasn’t had vegetables in a week.
  • Your kid constantly interrupts your conversations and you never teach the value of the words “excuse me”.
  • You don’t know your teacher’s name.  That means you never read the paperwork sent home and you’ve never gone to a parent teacher conference
  • Your child twerks and your record it on video and put it on YouTube.

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  • Your child fails their weekly spelling test but knows every word to all the top 40 songs.
  • Your child says “huh” and “what” to adults.  Okay this can just be a peeve of this southern girl who was also taught to put a handle to grown folks names.  My friends still call my mom Ms. Stephanie.  We also say “ma’am” and “sir”.
  • Your toddler’s vocabulary consist mostly of foul and explicit language. Instead of correcting them, you encourage them.  One day, they will embarrass you in church.
  • Your kid doesn’t have chores.  Like none. Not even making up their bed.  The old adage says cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Maybe they are less likely to act like the devil is they know how to clean up. Just a thought.

Smoking Baby

Please note, the above is not a comprehensive list of symptoms but it is a start. If you or anyone you know suffer from more than one of these issues then in my completely unprofessional and unexperienced opinion you are contributing to the insufficient parenting epidemic.  If you or anyone reading this is offended by my commentary, I am pretty sure that you lack a sense a humor and/or are also very bad at child rearing. #TruthHurts

You can’t clean up a dirty mess with a bloody rag

#ToastTip- If you don’t want to be seen as a bad guy then don’t KILL people.

 

George Zimmerman’s Rescue Plot Appears to be Fake *insert shock face*

 

 

Regardless of how you feel about the Zimmerman verdict, we all agree that he looks like a smug douche.  And whether or not you agree if he was right or wrong, we all agree he should have sat his cop-wanna-be-helpful self in his car.  Now that he is a free man and thousands of his fellow Americans are protesting his right to freedom, he feels that he needs a good image overhaul.

 

Insert horrific car accident here.

 

George pulls the family out of the burning car and saves their life. It’s terrific! This guy has a track record of being a real life hero…he’s like Superman without the tights, the vest, the supervision, the good hair, etc.  What are the odds of this happening right after the verdict? This guy is great! I love this…

 

What? What is that? This is all made up? You had nothing to do with the rescue?  Wow Georgie boy…you really are just a douche and everyone still hates you.

 

Now please go and take a long seat down.

 

What do you think? Staged or not staged? Douche or not douche? Please share your thoughts.